Mother Is the Ecosystem: Why Self-Resourcing (Not Self-Care) Is the Real Work of Motherhood
I read Simon Sinek's Leaders Eat Last almost ten years ago.
Most of it is gone from me now. But one idea stayed.
The title comes from a tradition in the military where high ranking officers let their soldiers eat first. Not because rank meant privilege. Because rank meant responsibility. A leader's whole job was building a Circle of Safety within the tribe. When people feel safe, they spend their energy collaboratively, helping, caring, thinking clearly. When they don't feel safe, trust disappears and people hide.
The most memorable quote “Leadership isn't about being in charge. It's about taking care of those in your charge”
Mothers Are Leaders, Even If Culture Doesn't Call Us That
I've been sitting with the reality that mothers are leaders.
Maybe not in the traditional sense. If you're looking for validation from our culture, you might not find it. What you'll find instead is a culture that devalues, dismisses, and actively participates in the erasure of mothers.
From my point of view, we are leaders. Irreplaceable and valuable leaders. Not the corporate kind. Not the kind who barks orders, although we do at times. We're the kind who set the stage and tone of our home, who have the greatest impact on our kids, aka the future generation. No pressure. The kind who tends an ecosystem.
And you'll hear me say this time and time again.
Mother is the ecosystem.
And if that's true, then tending her, the woman behind the mother, isn't selfish. It's stewardship.
The Martyr Mother Model: Why 'Selfless' Isn't the Same as Good
Back to Leaders Eat Last and what I keep thinking about.
If you're like me, sometimes I put myself last. Not from being a leader, but from putting myself on the back burner, where I'm almost praised for being the martyr mother.
So many of us were handed a certain model for mothering. For me, A good mother is selfless, she sacrifices and gives of herself.. She eats last. Rests last. Asks for the least. Lives small. Gives until there's nothing left, and culture calls it devotion. I call it disappearing and yet she is praise her for how good and selfless of a mother she is.
I call bs on this model of mothering.
A Different Take, If You Come From a Christian Background
If you come from a Christian background, and you've been preached "selflessness," be more selfless, Jesus came to serve and not to be served, here's a different take.
When I read the Gospels, I don't see Jesus endlessly meeting every demand placed on him. In fact, I see the opposite. As the crowds grew, as more people wanted his time, his healing, his attention, Scripture tells us he often withdrew to lonely places to pray (Luke 5:15-16).
He stepped away. He communed with the Father, which, in the mystery of the Trinity, means he was also communing with himself. He was resourced before he returned to the people entrusted to him.
His ministry didn't flow from depletion. It flowed from connection, all day, every day.
I'm not saying stewardship means withdrawing to the desert for forty days. Maybe it means taking forty minutes for yourself, daily, to commune with yourself. To resource yourself, so motherhood can flow from connection.
And if the Jesus model isn't your language, here's the same truth without it. You step away to connect, to commune with your higher self, however you find that. The avenues that make you feel resourced, connected back to yourself, are the ones worth returning to.
And what are we actually teaching our kids when we lead from backburner mom? What is it saying about ourselves, that we don't matter, they matter more, or we matter less, because we're "just a mother." Somehow over time we’ve placed children at the upmost importance while neglecting the one who nourishes the child. Eventually children internalize this message and put themselves last, or don't put themselves in the equation at all. That's called self-abandonment.
And this isn't a you problem. There's nothing wrong with you. Culture and the systems around us participate in the devaluation of motherhood, because there's profit when we outsource to institutions and systems. This is due to the lack of support and value given to the caretaker role of motherhood.
And culture praises the disappearing model of motherhood through commentary. "You have your hands full." I believe the intention is usually endearment, a reflection on how fast it goes, an attempt to see you juggling all the things. I usually smile and say something like, "a fuller heart too." But if I'm honest, it doesn't always land that way. Sometimes it just confirms the identity I stepped into without realizing it. What it does is validate me. It extends an invitation to be seen. But seen for what, that's the question.
The strong mother, The exhausted mother. The overwhelmed one. The martyr.
This isn't a status or title anyone wants. And yet we all want to be seen, and in some twisted feedback loop, the martyr mother gets a verbal exchange of praise, or something that passes for being seen, even if it's not the way you actually want it. There's a secondary gain to going last. The woe-is-me card. Venting. Complaining. It earns sympathy or pity. And when your role has no promotions, no reviews, no one clocking what you carry, being pitied can start to feel like being seen.
I think part of why that pull is so strong is just how we're built. We relate to the negative more easily than the good. It gets the bigger response. Speaking the joy, the good, the pleasure, the peace in your life doesn't land the same way, so a lot of us don't speak it as often. And the negative feedback loop ends up praising the victim mindset, without either side fully realizing it's happening.
Look, problems are juicier. I get it.
That longing to be seen isn't wrong. We all want that. it is a good desire and we can give it to ourselves.
But what if we stopped waiting to be seen, and started seeing ourselves? Not for what we accomplish. For who we are. For who we are becoming.
Self-Resourcing vs. Self-Care: What's the Difference?
When people hear "put yourself first," they picture a bubble bath, a manicure. Or they hear it as selfish, because somewhere back when we were little we learned a good woman puts everyone else first. Put yourself first isn't entitled, isn't the sound of your kid's voice saying "I go first." This is an internal command. What I'm talking about is self-resourcing. There's a real difference. A leader doesn't tend to herself because she's more important. She resources herself because she knows the responsibility she holds. Leadership is responsibility, and the degree we're able to resource ourselves is the degree of responsibility we're actually able to hold. As mothers, we tend to ourselves because we need the capacity to keep leading, holding, doing.
This is stewardship of self for the greater ecosystem, not self-care. Caring for and resourcing myself into a more grounded, resourced place has a different frequency to it. It doesn't get celebrated. There's no external validation waiting on the other side. But there's a groundedness underneath it that's unmatched. The drama is gone, and there's more calm. For a lot of us mothers, living in that kind of peace feels foreign.
And sure, we all know that leading our kids through structure, rhythms, routines, our own set of values, raising them within it, yes, that's leading. I think about leading my kids, and that's the managing part. Creating rhythms, routines, setting values and standards, raising them inside of it.
But leading myself is different. It's holding a frame that goes beyond the rhythms, built through me. It looks like remembering I'm in charge. I make the decisions, not the kids. I invest in myself through my energy, time, and finances, and this type of resourcing fits in any budget. But it does require knowing what actually resources me.
What Actually Resources Me (Real Examples of Self-Resourcing)
Here's what resources me into more calm, connection, and fairly unwavering groundedness. This isn't me telling you what you should do. This is to spark curiosity and give yourself permission to experiment with things that connect you back to you.
For me, it's being outside. It's movement, walking, dancing, a workout, a bike ride. It's coffee, at home or from a shop I love. It's bodywork, some I do myself, some through practitioners I trust. It's heartfelt conversations with friends where deep safety, love, and connection are shared. It's playing with my kids and being silly. It's sitting down for meals, all of them, and letting myself pause, connect, actually taste my food, and be full.
Here's what I know now. My children don't need the most exhausted version of me, the one that comes from overwhelm and doing, being productive all day. They need the most present mom, able to meet them in all forms. Not perfect. Not endlessly patient. Present.
What if motherhood was never asking you to disappear? What if it's been inviting you to lead yourself in a deeper, fuller way, to exist, to matter, to take up space, because the space you inhabit for yourself is home to your children.
Put Yourself First, Daily: Leading the Ecosystem You've Built
So in a world that keeps telling mothers to go last, I want to offer something different.
Lead yourself first.
It's from knowing that you are responsible for the ecosystem your children are growing up inside.
Maybe motherhood was never asking you to disappear. Maybe it's been inviting you to become the kind of leader your home can rest inside. The kind of woman who knows herself, returns to herself, and resources herself. Stewardship of the woman behind the mother changes everything.
Your children don't need the “strongest”, most exhausted, overwhelmed version of you (hello, Luisa). They need the most present version of you.
Mother is the ecosystem. When the woman behind the mother is tended to with love, intention, and care, the whole ecosystem changes. and it begins by you taking charge. Remember you are in your charge too, not just your kids.
That's my invitation to you. See yourself first. Stop waiting for someone else to tell you that you matter. You already do.
You are the leader of this home whether you claim it or not. The only question is whether you lead resourced, or lead depleted and call it sacrifice.
If you're expecting and know you don't want to lose yourself in motherhood, The Becoming was created for you.
Start by downloading my free guide, To Begin Reorienting Yourself Before Baby Arrives, or email me to book a complimentary Postpartum Vision Session. Together we'll begin creating a postpartum that cares for both you and your baby as it begins with you.
Sitting in the mess and magic with you,
